Day 84: Confused

Status: I’m rebuilding Thinglistr core and have a design laid out, but am now also focusing on getting out of my full-time job, so not sure if I’ll have to put this on hold for a bit.

Mood: Confused

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I’m reaching a breaking point at my job where every passing second sitting on that chair feels like a vice-grip slowly chipping away at my soul. I really dislike my job. I dislike nearly everything about it, but I especially dislike the fact that I can earn more for dealing with less bullshit. A lot more.

The thought of spending a few more months there is unfathomable let alone another day. I’m not sure of whether this is a challenge disguised as an emergency.

These feelings came to a head over the weekend and from that, I decided to find consulting work by all means possible.

So now I’m spending my mornings searching for clients and recruiters and spending my evenings moving Thinglistr along. I originally went into the consulting thing with the intention of allocating more time for Thinglistr, but both paths are really high-intensity and require a lot of time to make something out of.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’ve got to get out. This whole equation would have been much, much simpler had I saved money instead of going super aggressive on paying down my loans (which I’m very proud of but is sort-of working against me now).

I’m desperate now. It’s fucking up my energy. I know I’ll be alright, but turbulence always feels scary at first. 🙂

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Day 84: Confused

Day 59.2: TFW you realize you think you’re in it for the long haul.

STATUS: Same as the previous post. Fixed a few bugs with the event collection I currently had in place. Progress!

MOOD: More optimistic now that I thought through things.

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So I thought about something that I’m pretty sure everyone in my place eventually thought of before.

“What if I just…quit?”

I *could* concentrate on being the best damn employee my employer has ever seen. I’ve done it before, so I’m pretty sure I could do it again.

I *could* get my weeknights and weekends back, since I don’t take my work home with me and my employer’s work-life balance is actually pretty good.

I *could* think about how to pump up my resume and prepare for my next move, even if it’s within the company.

I could have a social life again.

I could go back to having no responsibilities.

All of that would probably happen.

I’d have no real responsibilities.

I’d have no real direction over the bigger picture of my work.

I’d have no real way of *directly* helping society.

I’d have to settle for being a chesspiece on someone else’s board.

I’d have to settle.

I’d have to pave someone else’s way.

I don’t want to settle.

I want to pave my own way.

And even if I fail in the most spectacular way the world has ever seen, debt and all, I can say that I tried. I’d be ready for anything. I’ve even helped some people so far. That’s worth a lot.

Day 59.2: TFW you realize you think you’re in it for the long haul.

Day 59: Am I crazy for thinking that employee happiness and well-being are REALLY DARN IMPORTANT?

STATUS: Started building the website proper. Discovered that I have some more work to do on the core tech. Not a bad thing.                                    

MOOD: A little sad, but still optimistic.

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The number of stories I’ve read and stumbled upon recounting or describing terrible work environments at startups are astounding and really surprising. Stories of founders ignoring their employees, founders stealing or “creatively using” investor money, marketers and salesmen selling non-existent features, founders pressuring their development teams into creating these features, 16+ hour workdays at minimum wage pay (or no pay at all!) and other A+ epics are more common than they should be, and it makes me a little worried.

I want to build an environment where customer and employee happiness come first before anything. I want my employees at all levels and positions to be paid (really) well and given as much freedom as they need to build awesome things. I want them to tell people about how awesome thinglistr is and how awesome *working at* thinglistr is.

The possibility of making your product *worse* by treating your employees *well* eludes me completely.

Am I crazy for thinking this way?

Day 59: Am I crazy for thinking that employee happiness and well-being are REALLY DARN IMPORTANT?